Notes on Emotional Dependency
It’s been a while since I came across materials on dependent relationships. And then, out of the blue, the film Whom I Want More, shot in Italy and Switzerland in 2010, came my way.
From the title itself, it’s clear that the film’s subject is passion—or rather, the desire to want and possess rather than to be, to create, or to love. In short, this film is a wonderful and vivid example of how emotional dependency forms, develops, and ends. Below, "romantic" dependency will be referred to as "emotional" dependency.
Anna, the main character, lives with Alessio, with whom she has settled into a routine and is considering having a child.
The plot begins when Anna discovers her attraction to Domenico, a young man she recently met. Passionate kisses, embraces, and an uncontrollable urge to have sex right then and there set the stage for this love triangle.
Throughout the film, you can observe how the main characters experience emotional highs and lows tied to their dependency—from sudden cravings for each other and the euphoria that comes with it to despair and nervousness when they can’t get their "fix"—access to each other’s bodies.
To meet more often, the characters have to deceive their partners. Meanwhile, Domenico’s family situation worsens: he has children, his wife suspects infidelity, and his job doesn’t bring in enough income.
For a time, he had to forget about Anna, and his family life stabilized.
But once they’ve tasted the forbidden fruit, it’s hard not to crave it again. Domenico arrives at Anna’s workplace and waits for her to appear on the street. When Anna steps out with a coworker, he rushes over and tells her he needs to talk, that he can’t live without her. In anger, Anna insists that everything between them was just good sex, to which Domenico responds with rudeness and then adds that he loves her.
This scene reveals a key aspect of dependent relationships—the volatility of moods, which can only be good when both parties are happy and bad when both are miserable. Similar mood swings occur frequently between the characters throughout the film.
At the end of the film, Anna and Domenico go on a trip where they can enjoy each other’s company. Anna expresses her fear and guilt toward Domenico’s family. In turn, Domenico is also afraid but wants to stay with his children and Anna as his mistress. A striking moment is when Anna reproaches Domenico for not resolving their "hanging" situation during this time. This reveals a desire to dominate the other and control their behavior, and when that’s impossible, to blame them for failing to solve the problem for both of them.
The film ends logically—with Anna leaving and her difficult emotions surrounding the breakup.
Healthy relationships involve forming attachments and interdependence. However, if someone didn’t develop a secure attachment to a significant other (like a mother) in childhood, creating such relationships in adulthood isn’t easy.
The film illustrates a common form of emotional dependency—the love triangle, where partners from two families unite to form a third "family," or rather, a union based solely on sexual attraction. Still, this isn’t the only version of dependent relationships. Often in families without infidelity, behavioral patterns mirror dependency states:
—"I’m miserable—someone else has to be miserable too";
—"I’m miserable—someone else automatically feels miserable out of respect for me";
—"I’m happy only when someone else is happy; if they can’t influence their own mood, I’ll take care of it and make sure this poor soul ends up okay";
—"I’m guilty—you’re offended; I offended you—you’re guilty";
—"It’s scary to be an individual; it’s better to remain a sub-personality of another—like those convenient slippers that, no matter where you leave them, end up underfoot when you need them";
—"I’ve been shouting for hours that I love you, and I won’t even give you money for self-development so you know I love you and want to be with you always";
—"Your problems are my problems, and my problems are your problems. And try not to solve my problems!"...
Undoubtedly, the emotions and feelings experienced between people in strong dependency are highly intense and vulnerable. Therefore, breaking free from dependency is a difficult path—but one that is entirely possible and achievable if the person is willing.
Enjoy the film and draw the right conclusions!
