Parents, Children, and Hatred

Almost every family is a clash of generations - children are dissatisfied with their parents, parents are dissatisfied with their children. Hatred and broken relationships are not uncommon.

Yet nothing could be more logical or natural than expecting parents and children to thrive in an atmosphere of warmth, support, and mutual love.

There are cases where a mother feels no maternal bond with her child. Even rarer are cases where a child feels no love or attachment to their mother.
Anna Freud wrote that “...an infant does not ‘love’ its mother in the true sense of the word - it simply needs her.”
But anyone who has met the gaze of their own small child will agree with me: that is love in its purest form.

So how do parents and children, who begin their journey in joy, end up in hatred?

Expectations are to blame, in my opinion.
Perhaps this is the most destructive and insidious word for any relationship.

Based on my work with the group Parent for 100, I’ve compiled a ranking of grievances adult children have against their parents:

• Useless criticism;
• Hugs, words of love, pride, and admiration in their parents’ eyes were either absent entirely or only remembered in rare instances;
• More control, demands, and lectures than support;
• A brother or sister received greater privileges from the parents;
• Poor relationships between the parents, which caused pain;
• Betrayal by one of the parents - abandoning the family;
• Insufficient intellectual, financial, or social development, which made the child a target of ridicule by other children;
• Lack of a financial “safety net” at the start (education, housing);
• Constant interference in the lives of adult children;
• Emotional manipulation: “You broke my heart,” “I gave you everything, and you...,” “Because of you, I’m alone, and now you want to leave me.”

You may have your own grievance.
But what stands out is that none of the dissatisfied adult children ever stopped to consider: what is the function of a parent?

And what conditions are needed for parents to fulfill this function?

From the outside, parents and children often look like hostages. But of what?

What path do parents and children actually walk together?
What do we consider the unconditional duty of parents?
And of all the things we consider their duty, what can they realistically provide for their child, given their capabilities?

Parenthood begins with birth (or, more precisely, with conception).

Birth. The word parent (Родитель) exists in all Slavic languages. Notice that in the relationship between parents and children, there are no words like giver, lover, praiser, or provider.
Parent. From the word rod (рід), meaning kin, to give birth.

And this is the primary function - to open the door to this world. To give birth. Not to defend, not to have an abortion, not to destroy life within out of foolishness. To give birth.
Just imagine for a moment that parents denied you this very thing. How would that feel?

The zygote had a chance, but the pill destroyed it.
Or they thought, and thought, and chose abortion.
Or something went wrong during childbirth.
You wouldn’t exist.
But you were lucky. You are.

The second stage, where both parents and children face trials, is the infant care period.
After six years of working with newborns, I know for certain that this stage is no less complex or important.
Even here, tragedies abound: the phenomenon of a mother accidentally suffocating her baby in her sleep is not as rare as one might think. Overheating, fatal feeding mistakes, accidental falls - all of these happen.

Despite precautions, cases of dual deaths of mother and newborn due to primary HSV-1 (herpes simplex virus type 1) infection in pregnant women are still recorded.

The economic costs of childcare in many countries are staggering. Both parents and children are under constant stress as they adapt.
The care period is emotionally taxing for parents. Mothers, in particular, sacrifice a great deal: sleep deprivation, undereating, exhausting anxiety.
Postpartum depression is not uncommon. Some mothers simply can’t cope.
Fathers can experience postpartum depression too - sometimes even more severely than mothers.
By the child’s first year, many parents are drained, like squeezed lemons. Chronic fatigue, nervous breakdowns, parental burnout, and illnesses follow. Some even divorce.

A child has many chances to survive, but the investments parents make begin to lay the groundwork for their future expectations. That’s how the system of relationships is structured.

And then, parents and children are forever bound by upbringing.
This is where the most grievances, sharp conflicts, and disappointments - even hatred - arise. This is the stage where parents and children face immense trials. In fact, the entire clan undergoes a trial.

If the first two stages rely on instincts and knowledge, this one is far more complex.

The first five years of a child’s life involve a tremendous need for emotional connection and nourishment, as primary emotional abilities are formed.
Contact, Satisfaction, Care, Love, Time, Ideal.
This period - and the development of these abilities - determines a person’s emotional intelligence: their ability to recognize, endure, and express emotions.

BUT - here’s the problem: for parents to provide this for their child, a crucial condition must be met.
More on that in the next article.