Adult sister's behavior

Hello. If you are currently upset because your sister acted inappropriately, it is important to address this; it is a current emotional pain. Such pain is connected to earlier experiences that were not fully processed or understood. Current feelings may reflect echoes from the past because the psyche seeks to process and heal internally. If there was an experience of boundary violations or emotional insecurity in the past, similar reactions may arise in the present as a form of reliving and attempting to resolve it. You and your sister are different people now, but the emotional reaction may be a remnant of that old story. Especially since you want to have warm relationships, to be friends, and you are already an adult capable of setting personal boundaries and creating a contact format that is comfortable for you. How do you currently feel and how do you establish your personal boundaries in communication?

Ambivalence is a very difficult state when your psyche is literally torn between "I want" and "I’m afraid."

Everything is possible. If your relationship with your sister is important to you, you can gradually build it. However, if you don’t yet understand what you truly want and how much contact with your sister you need, it’s important to first work on yourself.

Only you can answer these questions. A psychologist can only help you better hear yourself, understand your feelings, boundaries, and gain tools for self-interaction. And when you feel better about yourself, it will be easier for you to understand what suits you.

Good evening. I agree with Svitlana Volodymyrivna; the most important thing in this entire situation is to understand yourself first. If you clearly know who you are, what you want, and what you definitely do not want, what is good and bad for you, unpleasant, unacceptable, and harmful, then neither your sister nor others will be able to force you into anything when you respond with a firm and confident 'No.' But those who hesitate and waver are like a sea wave tossed and swayed by the wind wherever it pleases.

Our emotions are not just random. They are an indicator that highlights what is good for us and what is not. Strong anger indicates that this situation is abnormal for you. So, the answer is: for you, this is very abnormal. Now that you’ve realized this, what do you want to do about it? What has happened has happened, but now you have a choice: further contact with your sister is unacceptable for you, or it is acceptable under certain conditions and with specific conclusions for yourself. Which of these resonates with you more right now?

I understand your anger. But you came to psychologists to understand yourself and the situation that happened to you in childhood. Judges pass verdicts based on certain laws of a particular state and society. And in different countries and societies, laws can differ and change over time. I am not a judge, I am a psychologist, and my task is to help you understand yourself in general and this situation in particular. So that you find what will be best for you. As a psychologist, I can confidently say that as many people, so many opinions, and each person can have their own vision, based on which they determine what they consider normal and what abnormal. For you, this situation is abnormal and unacceptable. Let's say I express my opinion and say that for me it also does not seem normal. But there will always be people who have a different opinion. Take your sister, for example. If you try to clarify this situation with her, she may justify herself and say that she did not mean to hurt you or that she regrets it and will start apologizing. In the first case, it means that both then and now she does not see this situation as abnormal. In the second case, it means that when she was younger, it did not seem abnormal to her. But now she has changed her mind, considers it wrong, and agrees with you that it was abnormal. Many people have had various situations with parents, sisters, brothers, and other relatives. As for myself, I also remember many situations with my father, mother, and brother that were traumatic and abnormal for me. Back then, I had no real choice; I was a child and depended on these people. But now I am an adult, and the situation has changed. Now I choose who to communicate with and to what extent. Moreover, I can define and build boundaries of normality and abnormality in relationships with others, disagree, and not allow others to behave unacceptably towards me. However it may be, I acknowledge my father as my father, my mother as my mother, and my brother as my brother. I do not renounce them. But now I am an adult and not completely dependent on them. They understood and accepted this, and our relationship has reached a completely different level now. I agree with you — your sister's behavior cannot be called reasonable, responsible, or mature. As an older sister, she should have set a good example for you. But that's not the case... However, it is up to you to decide how to proceed with your sister. Otherwise, it will not be a mature position if others decide for you. You are an adult, mature, and intelligent person with the full right to make your own decision. In any case, choose what will be best for you.

From a purely human perspective, I would advise you not to dwell solely on that incident and perhaps forgive your sister for that youthful folly. It seems important to me that despite all your doubts, you still long for warm relationships and human closeness. Perhaps it’s worth looking not only at what your sister was like back then but also at who she is now. I wish you warm family relationships.

Good day, Mary!

As of today, such behavior from an adult toward a teenager is not normal for me.

You have your own opinion, but you are not sure it is objectively correct. That is why you seek answers and confirmation of your thoughts from psychologists. If you think about it, what does this personal manifestation of yours indicate? Only uncertainty? Or perhaps also ethical uncertainty?

Could it be that at that time, she simply hadn’t yet reached a certain psychological maturity, and perhaps the boundaries were blurred because she grew up in a family with me, and she perceived us as equals, even though she was already an adult, while I was not?

That is quite possible.

And is such a person safe now, given that she acted this way toward me when I was a minor, even though she was already an adult?

Ask yourself why I still cannot rely on my own feelings? My emotions? My conclusions about safe contact with my sister?

By the way, have you discussed that old story about the proposal to take photos with your sister? Have you expressed your doubts?
If not, it would be interesting to find out what stopped you.

I would never dare to ask someone to photograph me like that, not for any purpose, except perhaps for a partner or if there was a need—a photographer who works in that niche and for whom this is normal practice.

As an adult with life experience, you would not act that way. However, you are not your sister, and your sister is not you. The speed of development, the acquisition of beliefs, and established views differ between you. It could not be otherwise.

How should I understand this experience with my sister?

First, that incident is not the only episode that has occurred between you over many years. There have been others...
Second, no matter what others say or think, you should still have your own perspective on things, your own position. Other people can only make assumptions based on their personal experience.

Hello!
The fact that you are now reflecting on this episode and trying to reconsider it through adult eyes is very understandable. Often, it is only with time that we gain the ability to feel: "Stop, it was strange for me back then, uncomfortable, and something about it wasn't right." And it's important to trust this inner feeling.

When an adult asks a teenager to photograph them naked, even if it is justified as "practices," "creativity," or something esoteric, this is already a situation with blurred boundaries. The problem here is not your reaction but the fact that the responsibility for boundaries lies with the adult. A teenager may not understand how to evaluate such requests, may agree out of trust, respect for an older person, a desire not to offend, or simply out of confusion.

It seems important to me that you remember the feeling of awkwardness and inner "cringe." The body and psyche often notice boundary violations before a person can explain them in words.

Does this automatically mean that your sister is a dangerous person now? Not necessarily. People can indeed be psychologically immature, have very blurred personal boundaries, grow up in families where there was no clear sense of privacy, shame, or bodily boundaries. Sometimes what is obviously inappropriate for one person may be "unconscious" within another person's family or personal culture. But at the same time, this does not negate the fact that this experience may have been strange, alarming, or violating for you.

Here, it is important not so much to diagnose your sister as to acknowledge your own experience:
You felt uncomfortable.
Your boundaries may have been violated at the time.
And now your caution has a reason.

The psyche often remembers not just facts but also the atmosphere of interaction. So even if your sister behaves normally now, part of you may remain cautious — and this does not make you a "bad sister" or overly suspicious.

It also seems important to me that you are not trying to demonize her but are trying to understand the situation holistically. This speaks to your maturity. However, you should not devalue yourself to explain her behavior.

Perhaps, for you now, the main question is not "What kind of person is she?" but "How safe can I feel and be myself around her?" And the answer to this can be very cautious, gradual, without forcing closeness just because you are relatives.